Joker/Quotes
The Joker is a fictional character appearing in comic books published by DC Comics. Debuting in Batman #1 (Spring 1940), he was created by Bill Finger, Bob Kane and Jerry Robinson. Comic book quotes By book Batman: The Killing Joke (1988) by Alan Moore with art by Brian Bolland * "Madness is the emergency exit. You can just step outside, and close the door on all those dreadful things that happened. You can lock them away... forever." * "Ladies and Gentlemen! You've read about it in the papers! Now witness, before your very eyes, that most rare and tragic of nature's mistakes! I give you: the average man. Physically unremarkable, it instead possesses a deformed set of values. Notice the hideously bloated sense of humanity's importance. Also note the club-footed social conscience and the withered optimism. It's certainly not for the squeamish, is it? Most repulsive of all, are its frail and useless notions of order and sanity. If too much weight is placed upon them... they snap. How does it live, I hear you ask? How does this poor pathetic specimen survive in today's harsh and irrational environment? I'm afraid the sad answer is, "Not very well." Faced with the inescapable fact that human existence is mad, random, and pointless, one in eight of them crack up and go stark slavering buggo! Who can blame them? In a world as psychotic as this... any other response would be crazy!" * "Remembering's dangerous. I find the past such a worrying, anxious place. "The Past Tense," I suppose you'd call it. Memory's so treacherous. One moment you're lost in a carnival of delights, with poignant childhood aromas, the flashing neon of puberty, all that sentimental candy-floss... the next, it leads you somewhere you don't want to go. Somewhere dark and cold, filled with the damp ambiguous shapes of things you'd hoped were forgotten. Memories can be vile, repulsive little brutes. Like children I suppose. But can we live without them? Memories are what our reason is based upon. If we can't face them, we deny reason itself!" * "Life's a bowl of cherries and this is the pits." * "So... I see you received the free ticket I sent you. I'm glad. I did so want you to be here. You see it doesn't matter if you catch me and send me back to the asylum... Gordon's been driven mad. I've proved my point. I've demonstrated there's no difference between me and everyone else! All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That's how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day. You had a bad day once, am I right? I know I am. I can tell. You had a bad day and everything changed. Why else would you dress up as a flying rat? You had a bad day, and it drove you as crazy as everybody else... Only you won't admit it! You have to keep pretending that life makes sense, that there's some point to all this struggling! God you make me want to puke. I mean, what is it with you? What made you what you are? Girlfriend killed by the mob, maybe? Brother carved up by some mugger? Something like that, I bet. Something like that... Something like that happened to me, you know. I... I'm not exactly sure what it was. Sometimes I remember it one way, sometimes another... If I'm going to have a past, I prefer it to be multiple choice! Ha ha ha! But my point is... My point is, I went crazy. When I saw what a black, awful joke the world was, I went crazy as a coot! I admit it! Why can't you? I mean, you're not unintelligent! You must see the reality of the situation. Do you know how many times we've come close to world war three over a flock of geese on a computer screen? Do you know what triggered the last world war? An argument over how many telegraph poles Germany owed its war debt creditors! Telegraph poles! Ha ha ha ha HA! It's all a joke! Everything anybody ever valued or struggled for... it's all a monstrous, demented gag! So why can't you see the funny side? Why aren't you laughing?" * "See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum...and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight...stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daren't make the leap. Y'see...y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea...He says 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... he says 'What do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!'" Arkham Asylum: A Serious House on Serious Earth (1989) by Grant Morrison with art by Dave McKean * "Aren't I just good enough to eat?" * "April sweet is coming in, let the feast of fools begin!" * "The guy goes into the hospital, okay? His wife's just had a baby and he can't wait to see them both. So he meets the doctor and he says, 'Oh, Doc, I've been so worried. How are they?' And the doctor smiles and says, 'They're fine. Just fine. Your wife's delivered a healthy baby boy and they're both in tip-top form. You're one lucky guy.' So the guy rushes into the maternity ward with his flowers. But it's empty. His wife's bed is empty. 'Doc?' He says and turns around and the doctor and all the nurses wave their arms and scream in his face. 'April fools! Your wife's dead and the baby's a spastic!!'" ''executes an asylum orderly with a gunshot to the head "Get it? Oh what a senseless waste of human life!" * "Parting is such sweet sorrow, dearest. Still, you can't say we didn't show you a good time. Enjoy yourself out there... in the asylum. Just don't forget -- if it ever gets too tough... there's always a place for you here." * "Oh, yes! Fill the churches with dirty thoughts! Introduce honesty to the White House! Write letters in dead languages to people you've never met! Paint filthy words on the foreheads of children! Burn your credit cards and wear high heels! Asylum doors stand open! Fill the suburbs with murder and rape! Divine madness! Let there be ecstasy, ecstasy in the streets! Laugh and the world laughs with you!" The Joker: The Devil's Advocate (1995) by Chuck Dixon with art by Graham Nolan * "And he didn't die all at once. It was hours before the screaming stopped. I almost didn't get to sleep that night. That was the last time I'd used crushed glass..." Video games ''Batman: Arkham Asylum * "Stand back, fool, I've got a bomb! Oh, right." * "Over?! Why, my dear, delusional Dark Knight, it hasn't even begun!" * "Anyone seen the big bad Bat yet? I warn you, he may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you, he really is an idiot!" * "Paging Doctor Bat, paging Doctor Bat! Is there a Doctor Bat in the room?" * "Good evening, residents of Joker Asylum! Some of our...crazier guests have crashed the party early, and when I say crazy, I mean REAL psycho. Word of warning, if anyone sees a dribbling fool barking at the moon or maybe just purring like a kitten, do your civic duty. Walk up to them, put your arm around them, show them that you care...before you wring their necks!" * ''the official "Play as the Joker" trailer "Plans, plans, plans. They always have their plans. But the problem with their plan... is that when you take an insane person to the asylum, you're just taking him home - the very place he knows best." * "Welcome to the madhouse, Batman! I set a trap and you sprang it gloriously! Now let's get this party started." * talking to Harley Quinn "Oh, you little minx, I could never stay mad at you." * "What's up, doc? Need to take my temperature? I'd be happy to drop my pants." * "I like you boys. What you lack in brains, you make up in heart. Oh, and speaking of heart... bring me Batman's." laughs * "Ladies and murderers! Welcome to the big fight. Batman; you're going down!" * first encountering Killer Croc "That reminds me, I really need to get me some new shoes." * Killer Croc come up the elevator "Croc, old boy! Is that you?" * to Scarface "Why didn't you stop Batman?" to Scarface "Me?! It was your plan you goofy clown!" back to himself "I'm sending you back to the Ventriloquist where you belong!" Scarface on the ground * "You had to spoil everything, didn't you!? Beating up Bane, feeding Scarecrow to Croc, slapping around Harley - my hobby, by the way! - and ruining all my lovely Venom plants." * "I can take it Bats. I can take anything you throw at me." * "Tell me, Bats. What are you really scared of? Not finding the Commissioner in time? Failing to save this cesspool of a city? Me, in a thong?!" laughs * "C'mon Bats, get crazy. It's the only way to beat me!" * "Residents of Joker Asylum are all required to follow one simple rule. Failure to follow this rule will be punished by death, no 'ifs', 'ands', or 'buts'. And do you know the best part about the rule? It's a secret!" * "Five... Four... Three... Two... One... BOOM! Just kidding!" laughing hysterically * "Paging Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard!" ''Batman: Arkham City * "You fell for the old fake Joker gag, Batman!" * "Nice of you to say, but you of all people should know, there's plenty wrong with me. Take my blood, for example. I wish somebody would - this stuff is killing me!" * "Is someone feeling a little down? Well cheer up Bats; it won't kill ya.... Oops." * "It's ok to die Bats, I'll be here to protect Gotham! I'll do a real good job." * "Good evening Troops! This is General J. here, with quick update on what's going on down here in Arkham City. As you can see, I'm looking much better. In fact ohhh, I think I'm looking better than ever! Ha! Oh I can hear you all now: "How did this happen?" "Can I get me some of that crazy cure?" "I want answers damn it! NOW!" Well here's the thing. Answers don't give you everlasting satisfaction, sometimes you have to brace yourself for disappointment. Think about it. Imagine your favorite TV show. You've been through it all. The ups, the downs, the crazy coincidences, and then: BANG! They tell you what it's all about. Would you be happy? Does it make sense? How come it all ended in a church?" * "So how do you keep a secret from the World's Greatest Detective? Well, do you know? You stick it right up under him. Right up under his long pointy nose, and wait." * "Confusing isn't it, I know I'd want to know just what the hell is going on if I were you. Let's just say in times like these, it's important to keep up ''coughs appearances. But first, if you would be so kind, hand over my cure!" * "Ladies and Gentlemen, for one night only, standing in for yours truly, ha!, and doing a damn fine job of it, I bring you Clayface!" * "You're making me late for spa treatment. I mean its not like you've got a girl to save anymore, is it! laughs Ooh I'm sorry, too soon?" * "I've killed your girlfriend, poisoned Gotham, and hell, it's not even breakfast! But so what, we all know you'll save me." * "Think of it as a running gag!" Batman in the back, dropping the cure and the Joker's only chance of survival * being told by Batman that he would have saved him after ensuring his own death "You know that actually is hysterically pretty funny." dies laughing with a smile on his face Miscellaneous * "Yay! We're all going to Hell!" ** Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe (2008 video game) * "There's two things Lex forgot to tell you about me: I don't CARE what happens to the world, and I DON'T play nice with others!" ** Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe * "If I weren't crazy, I'd be insane!" ** Batman: Dark Detective * Superman "More powerful than a locomotive, and just about as subtle." ** Superman/Batman: World's Finest * "It's true Batsy. I know everything, and kinda like the boy who opens his Christmas presents early, I must admit, it's sadly anti-climatic. Behind all the stern and the batarangs, you're just a little boy in a playsuit crying for mommy and daddy. It would be funny if it weren't so pathetic...... Oh what the heck, I'll laugh anyway. HA! HA! HA! HA! HAAAA!" ** Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker * "They could put me in a helicopter and fly me up into the air and line up the bodies head to toe on the ground in delightful geometric patterns like an endless June Taylor dancers routine — and it would never be enough. No, I don’t keep count. But you do. And I love you for it." ** Batman: The Dark Knight Returns * "You dirty rat! You killed my brother! My sister! My daughter! She's my sister and my daughter!" ** Batman: Dark Victory * "Lady, you're harder to kill than a cockroach on steroids." ** Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm (comic adaptation) * Batman "Quick question. When the clock strikes twelve, do I get a little kiss?" ** Batman: The Long Halloween * "Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps, Cross-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants. I come before you, to stand behind you, to tell you a story I know nothing about. One bright morning in the middle of the night two dead fellows stood up to fight. They stood back to back, facing each other, drew their swords and shot one another. If you don't believe my lie, it's true, ask the blind lady on the corner, she saw it too." ** Emperor Joker * Harley as he turns her into a constellation "You get the best seat in the house for Armageddon. Say goodnight, Harley. I always wanted to see my dame in lights. Heh. Even in a moment of abject saccharine, I still got it." ** Emperor Joker * "Oh please, Batman. If you had the guts for that type of fun you would've done it years ago. I, on the other hand..." Batman by gesturing with the right hand while drawing a knife in his left ** Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker * "If I weren't insane: I couldn't be so brilliant!" ** Dreadful Birthday Dear Joker * to patent "jokerized" fish "But the fish share my unique face! If Colonel What's-His-Name can have chickens, when they donť even have moustaches-- And you deny this to me!" ** Detective Comics #475 * "I did it! I finally killed Batman! In front of a bunch of vulnerable, disabled kids!!! Now get me Santa Claus!" ** Batman #655 * "Both of us trying to find meaning in a meaningless world! Why be disfigured outcast when I can be a notorious Crime God? Why be an orphaned boy when you can be a superhero?" ** Batman #663 * "You can't kill me without becoming like me! I can't kill you without losing the only human being who can keep up with me! Isn't it IRONIC?" ** Batman #663 * "The real joke is your stubborn, bone deep conviction that somehow, somewhere, all of this makes sense! That's what cracks me up each time!" ** Batman #681 * "You actually believed that all it would take is a few chemicals, a couple of days in drug-induced isolation and a cheap little nervous breakdown and you'd have me all figured out? Like there was some rabbit hole you could follow me down to understanding?" ** Batman #681 * "You really want to know what it feels like to be the clown at midnight? Where there's only ever one joke and it's always on you? Well, here you are. Now do you get it?" ** Batman #681 * "I'd Like to bet you have no idea what you dealing with, I bet double or nothing, Batman crawls out of that shallow grave with his faculties intact and hunts you down like the dogs you all are." ** Batman #681 * "If the police expect to play against the Joker, they'd better be prepared to be dealt from the bottom of the deck!" ** Batman #1 * Judge Drake "You can't win anyway... You see, I hold the winning card!" ** Batman #1 * "In my dream, the world had suffered a terrible disaster. A black haze shut out the sun, and the darkness was alive with the moans and screams of wounded people. Suddenly, a small light glowed. A candle flickered into life, symbol of hope for millions. A single tiny candle, shining in the ugly dark. I laughed and blew it out." ** Shadow Of The Bat #37 * "It's a clear choice -- me or Pettit. Vote or die. Cancer or tuberculosis." ** Detective Comics #737 * "Every clown loves kids, captain. Just ask Sarah-Essen-Gordon. Oh, that's right, you can't!" ** Gotham Central #15 * Nightwing pummels him "Aw... Jeez... I hit Jason a lot harder than that. pause His name was Jason, right?" ** Joker: Last Laugh #6 Film and television quotes ''Batman'' (1966) * "Have you heard this one? It'll KILL you, Batman!" laughs Dialogue :Joker: Suppose Penguin did fail! All the more reason not to send up one of your crazy clues! :Riddler: Oh, but I must, I must! Outwitting Batman is my sole delight, my heaven on earth, my very paradise! ---- :Riddler: You and your trained exploding shark. :Penguin: Oh quiet! How should I know they'd have a can of shark-repellent Batspray handy? Why, you sniveling sardine! :Riddler: Why you pompous, puffed-up penguin! :Joker: Oh, friends, make peace. Have a shake on me. their hands, and the two are electrified; Joker laughs manically, and shows he is wearing joy buzzers on his hands A joke a day keeps the gloom away! :Catwoman: her cat Sic 'em, Hecate. Scratch out their eyes! :Penguin: Take away that ravenous panther! :Riddler: So help me, Catwoman, I'll feed him to the birds! :Joker: I'll incapacitate the beast with my trick confetti! :Catwoman: United Underworld? scoffs We're about as united as the members of the United World Headquarters on Gotham East River! What's the matter with you all?! :Riddler: She's right, she's right! If we don't manage to somehow swallow our supercriminal pride, I'm afraid-- :Penguin: Right, Mr. Riddler, all right! We must hang together, or most assuredly we shall hang separately. :Joker: Oh, and what a pity that would be, on the eve of the greatest criminal coup anyone ever dreamed of! :Riddler: Aha! How did it go, Catwoman? :Catwoman: Purr-fectly, purr-fectly. In my disguise as Kitka, I penetrated their press conference. The fools are completely baffled. :Joker: Yes, but undrowned. :Catwoman: Yes, unfortunately. Batman's boots didn't even look damp! How's our prisoner? Still doesn't know he's been kidnapped? :Penguin: He hasn't the foggiest. He just keeps ringing for his confounded tea. ''Batman'' (1989) * TV ad "New and improved Joker products! With a new secret ingredient: Smylex. Now, let's go over to our blind taste test. Uh-oh. He don't look happy. He's been using Brand X. But with new and improved Joker brand, I get a grin again and again. That luscious tan, those ruby lips, and hair color so natural, only your undertaker knows for sure. I know what you're saying: where can I get these fine new items? Well that's the gag. Chances are, you've bought 'em already! So, remember, spread a little sunshine, and put on a happy face!" * "And now, folks, it's time for "Who do you trust!" Hubba, hubba, hubba! Money, money, money! Who do you trust? Me? I'm giving away free money. And where is the Batman? He's at home, washin' his tights! up into the sky and sees the Batwing Winged battle flies through the night and finds me ready. Bob the Goon Bob, Mask. crowd in the street And now comes the part where I relieve you, the little people, of the burden of your failed and useless lives. But, as my plastic surgeon always said, if you've got to go, go with a smile!" * "'Winged freak terrorizes'. Wait till they get a load of me!" Dialogue :Joker: So gentlemen, that's how it is. Until Grissom, uh, chuckles resurfaces, I'm the acting President, and I say starting with this anniversary festival, we run this city to the ground. :Gangster: Why don't we hear this from Grissom? :Tony: Yeah, and what's with that stupid grin? :Joker: Life's been good to me. :Tony: What if we say "No"? :Joker: Well, Tony, nobody wants a war. And if we can't do business, why, we just shake hands and that'll be it. ---- :Batman: Excuse me. You ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight? Joker and knocks him against a bell, before grabbing him I'm going to kill you! :Joker: You idiot! You made me, remember? You dropped me into that vat of chemicals. That wasn't easy to get over, and don't think that I didn't try! :Batman: smirks I know you did. Joker in the stomach and knocks him through a wall You killed my parents. :Joker: Wha-what? What are you talking about? :Batman: I made you — you made me first. :Joker: Hey, bat-brain, I was a kid when I killed your parents! I mean, I say I made you, you've gotta say you made me ... how childish can you get? on a pair of glasses You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you? Huh!? knocks the Joker over the side ''The Dark Knight'' (2008) * "Do you wanna know how I got these scars? My father was a drinker...and a fiend. And one night, he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn't like that. Not...one...bit. So, me watching, he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it. He turns to me, and he says, 'Why so serious?' He comes at me with the knife — 'Why so serious?' Sticks the blade in my mouth — 'Let's put a smile on that face!' And... why so serious?'" * Don't talk like you're one of them! You're not... even if you'd like to be. To them you're just a freak, like me. They need you right now, but when they don't, they'll cast you out. Like a leper. See, their morals, their "code"... it's a bad joke, dropped at the first sign of trouble. They're only as good as the world allows them to be. I'll show you. When the chips are down, these uh, these "civilized people," they'll eat each other. See, I'm not a monster. I'm just ahead of the curve. Dialogue :mob bosses are assembled together, videoconferencing with Lau :Sal Maroni: How soon can you move the money? :Lau: I already have. For obvious reasons, I couldn't wait for your permission. Rest assured, your money is safe. :Joker: meeting; fake laughter done in deadpan voice before returning to normal voice And I thought my jokes were bad! :Gambol: Give me one reason why I shouldn't have my boy here pull your head off. :Joker: How about a magic trick? a pencil into the table, point first I'm gonna make this pencil disappear. Gambol's approaching crony onto the pencil, killing him TA-DA! It's, ah, it's gone. Oh, and by the way, the suit? It wasn't cheap. You oughta know, you bought it! rises in anger :The Chechen: Sit. I want to hear proposition. glares at the Joker, who indicates the Chechen in agreement. Gambol sits reluctantly :Joker: Let's wind the clocks back a year. These cops and lawyers wouldn't dare cross any of you... I mean, what happened? Did your balls drop off? Hmm? You see, a guy like me... :Gambol: A freak... few mob members snicker :Joker: annoyed A guy like me... Look, listen... I know why you choose to have your little, ahem, "group therapy" sessions in broad daylight. I know why you're afraid to go out at night: the Batman. You see, Batman has shown Gotham your true colors, unfortunately. Dent? He's just the beginning. And as for the, uh, television's at Lau's image on the TV screen so-called "plan" - Batman has no jurisdiction. He'll find him, and make him squeal. I know the squealers when I see them, and... at Lau again, who covers his camera with his hand and turns it off :The Chechen: What do you propose? :Joker: It's simple. We, uh, kill the Batman. mobsters laugh :Salvatore Maroni: If it's so simple, why haven't you done it already? :Joker: If you're good at something, never do it for free. :The Chechen: How much you want? :Joker: Uh, half. mobsters laugh again :Gambol: You're crazy. :Joker: No, I'm not. No, I'm not. Look, if we don't deal with this now, pretty soon little, uh, Gambol here won't be able to get a nickel for his grandma. :Gambol: enraged Enough from the clown! :Joker: back and opens his coat to reveal a chain of hand grenades Ah, ta ta ta... Let's not "blow" this out of proportion. :Gambol: You think you can steal from us and just walk away? :Joker: Yeah. ---- :crashes the party :Joker: We made it! a shotgun into the air to get people's attention Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We are tonight's entertainment! I only have one question: Where is Harvey Dent? around the room, pointing his shotgun at random guests Do you know where Harvey is? I just need to ask him something, little, hmm? No? You know, I'll settle for his loved ones. :Guest: We're not intimidated by thugs! :Joker: You know, you remind me of my father. him at knifepoint I hated my father! :Rachel Dawes: offscreen Okay. stop! :Joker: over to her Well, hello, beautiful! You must be Harvey's squeeze, hm? And you are beautiful. Oh, you look nervous. Is it the scars? Wanna know how I got 'em? her chin as she continuously tries to look away Come here, look at me. See, I had a wife — beautiful, like you — who tells me that I worry too much, who tells me that I ought to smile more, who gambles and gets in deep with the sharks. Hey. squirms, and he forces her to keep looking at him One day they carve her face. We have no money for surgeries. She can't take it. I just want to see her smile again, hmm? I just want her to know that I don't care about the scars. So... tries again to look away, he grabs her face and forces her to look at him I stick a razor in my mouth and do this... to myself. attention towards the scars And you know what? She can't stand the sight of me! She leaves. Now, I see the funny side. Now, I'm always smiling. :knees him :Joker: chuckling A little fight in you. I like that. :Batman: out of nowhere and attacks the Joker Then you're gonna love me. ---- :Joker: Look at you go! Does Harvey know about you and his "little bunny"? :Batman: Joker's head into the mirror and punches him WHERE ARE THEY?! :Joker: Killing is making a choice... :Batman: him again WHERE ARE THEY?! :Joker: Choose between one life or the other: Your friend the District Attorney, or his blushing bride-to-be! as Batman punches him again You have nothing to threaten me with! Nothing to do with all your strength! But don't worry, I'm gonna tell you where they are! Both of them, and that's the point. You'll have to choose. He's at 250 52nd Street and she's at Avenue X and Cicero. ---- :meets the Chechen in a warehouse; Lau is tied up on the top of the pile :The Chechen: Not so crazy as you look. :Joker: I told you, I'm a man of my word. Where's the Italian? :The Chechen: Joker man, what you do with all your money? :Joker: You see, I'm, a guy of simple taste: I enjoy dynamite, and gunpowder... and gasoline! men douse the money with gasoline :The Chechen: What the - ? brandishes a pistol at him :Joker: You know the thing that they have in common? They're cheap. :The Chechen: You said you were a man of your word. :Joker: Oh, I am. I'm only burning my half. the Chechen's cigar onto the money, setting it ablaze All you care about is money. This town deserves a better class of criminal, and I'm gonna give it to 'em. Tell your men they work for me now. This is my city. :The Chechen: They won't work for a freak! :Joker: the Chechen's accent "Freak"... voice Why don't we cut you up into little pieces and feed you to your pooches? Hm? And then we'll see how loyal a hungry dog really is! men drag the Chechen away It's not about money... It's about... sending a message. Everything burns! Category:Quotes